.Sunday, June 6, 2010 ' 12:43 AM Y
After crying for 2 hours straight,I've finally stopped.I cried not because I was lonely or whatsoever but because of my miserable life.I feel that it is miserable for it has just lost its purpose in life.My purpose in life was to be my parents good little girl.However recent events made me found out that they(my parents) don't feel so.Is it due to their high yet demanding expectations or is it that I'm plain useless or should I say that I am incapable of meeting their targets?
Anyway I'm feeling empty again and this time,like I said,is because of the fact that I have lost my "purpose in life". Since that's the case,I will find another purpose in life and that is to help others so I will commit myself to more voluntary work.I feel that I'm old enough and that the time is right for me to give back to society but since I'm still schooling,I can only give back through this way.I just hope that there are vacancies available.
Another reason on why my life is miserable is because I'm the middle child.Everyone must be thinking what's so bad about that?Maybe,in other families,the middle child is the one that is doted but here,in mine,the middle child is not that easy as you would think it is.I have to do a lot of chores as I'm the eldest daughter and me,being the middle child,is often neglected i would say.My grans dotes my brother the most while my aunts and uncles dotes on my sister.On the other hand,I'm the one who isn't well-liked because the older generation criticize about my attire,attitude and so.Most of the time I'm just left out.So the one who always gets scolded is none other than yours truly.
Other than the part on how miserable my life is,I also felt that I shouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore as I just feel that I have to learn to be independent.So next time,when I'm down and out or just bored,I will not bother others and I will find a solution myself.However when you guys need help,don't be shy to look for me.I will still lend you a helping hand for many others have done so when I needed it.I promise that I'll be there when you need it.
Then there was a time that I wanted to be loved but that was so yesterday.Now,I don't feel that that is important anymore.My friend once told me to open my heart out to him but every time I do so,it gets invaded causing it to be weaker and weaker to the point that I don't dare to open it again.Just today,I received a sms from a friend and he said that he'd grown to love me deeper which is sweet but now when I read it,I seem to feel indifferent about it.I don't know how long it'll take for it to open again maybe a day or two,maybe never.Lets just allow nature to take its course.So I apologize to those who might be affected by it but it can't be helped.Sorry.Now it's like Swiss cheese,covered with nothing much but holes.It might be empty but its locked tightly to me.So tight that diamond can't cut through.What I'm trying to say is that it'll take a lot of effort and time for it to be open once again.
Anyway there are 2 main reasons on why I stopped crying.It is because it hurts and the other is because I remember what my dearest gor(JK) said.He said that he like to smile and he likes it more when people around him smile and with that i stopped.I'm still trying my very best to smile as i promised my gor to smile.This means that the next time that you see me,I would be smiling like i used to be but I can't assured you that it comes from within for god has taken bits of my smile away but I will try my best to smile,from within.After this "experience" I understand better the meaning of true happiness.As the saying goes "There's no way one can feel true happiness without going through sadness" so I am beginning to learn more about this world becoming more understanding and more appreciative.
Speaking of that,I remember Ms Joyce telling me that I'm just putting up a pretence in front of my form teacher,Mrs Whelan.No,I'm not.I'm gave my very best in helping her because she never fails to praise me when I do well.The thing I like about her would be that she is one who is generous when it comes to crediting one.She won't ever forget to appreciate those who deserves it.That's why I don't give my best to my parents.It's because they rarely praise me and if they did,they would expect more so I find it hard to be praise by them,unlike my brother and sister as they get praise frequently yet effortlessly.I'm the type that likes to be praised and I'm sure everyone does.So what I'm trying to say is that one should praise another when deserved and don't be stingy about it.
Now I'll leave you a quote by yours truly(me) : "I don't have to live a life that's colourful and dazzling that everyone envies.I just have to live a life that I'm proud to say that it's My Life."
